Reflection

September 27th, 2021

My current state of mind further pressured my peers who seem to have their lives going in the right directions. I think about the “what if’s” and if I decided to pursue the same life path as them rather than the path less taken. My life feels like it’s going against the flow of others. Everyone thinks that they are right and I think they are all wrong. In this paradox of truths, I am torn about what is the truth. I wonder if I should simply take the safe path as all others and wonder about the path not taken for the rest of my life. On the contrary, I fear I will lose a sense of purpose and innate curiousity.

2021/06/13

Since my last anxious piece about direction, things have changed. I’ve somehow managed to obtain a position at a prestigious company. It seemed unreal and pondered if I could perform in the new position. In fact, I still do ponder about it.

I had my week-long happy moments after being offered a position. I couldn’t believe it. I genuinely thought I didn’t pass. Typically, I never gave anything my all. Aside from that one-time two weeks of studying hard for finals in my first year in attempts to get into Computer Science, I haven’t cared about things much until this year. I gave it all for a job. A job. It seemed wild that of all people I’d be the one to care for a job. Knowing myself, I will probably stop caring about the job in a couple of months and will be looking at the next shiny thing.

And that’s the thing. I wonder if there’s an end to this. I say that I’m risk-loving, but in fact, the actions I take are completely risk-averse. I say that I want to be more productive, but in fact, I waste a majority of my time on Youtube or Netflix binge-watching. I can literally feel my grey cells dying and me getting dumber by day rather than sharper. I cannot think straight.

Perhaps, I have too much time on my hand right now and I am simply wasting them. I surround myself with noise and other meaningless things in life. Then again, what’s meaningful? Some are telling me that this is the perfect time in my life and I should be enjoying myself but there’s a part of me eaten away every day. There’s something unresolved, an itch for something else. In fact, I am so torn apart that I considered rescinding my offer. I am not quite sure what it is. Is it my thirst for business? or is it my avoidance of responsibilities? or is it something most unbeknown to me?

I am thankful for all my friends and family that have helped me out in this process, yet I wonder if I should throw it all away. What I could possibly say that would justify my actions? It simply isn’t a rational move. I have no alternatives to choose from. All I can do is smile and accept.