Current State of Mind

June 13th, 2021

Please excuse me if this particular piece is more disorganized than usual.

I am not quite sure where to begin.

I am three months into my new marketing role and I hate it. I am exploring my ways out of the position. The issue is that my motivation and energy level is at all low to dig myself out of the situation. I ponder about the value of life, inequalities between those of haves and have nots, and the privileges I enjoy.

This is a rare occasion where my brain is losing to my heart. I know and understand that I should dedicating myself to prepping for technical interviews so I have a shot at a prestigious software company. Yet, I am unable to focus. I wonder if it’s due to the fact that I am rather having to work on a major weakness of mine: verbal communication. As much as I try to get myself to practice verbal communication whether I practice inside myself, or talking to myself while looking at a mirror, I can’t. The whole practice seems ridiculous.

Perhaps, it’s not simply that I can’t speak well. Perhaps, it’s more an unconscious behavior acknowledging the fact that the chances of an offer are slim. I guess a part of me is thinking that considering the fact that I am not that interested in the position themselves are adversely impacting how I view the situation overall.

My current state of mind further pressured my peers who seem to have their lives going in the right directions. I think about the “what if’s” and if I decided to pursue the same life path as them rather than the path less taken. My life feels like it’s going against the flow of others. Everyone thinks that they are right and I think they are all wrong. In this paradox of truths, I am torn about what is the truth. I wonder if I should simply take the safe path as all others and wonder about the path not taken for the rest of my life. On the contrary, I fear I will lose a sense of purpose and innate curiosity.

I also fear a negative feedback cycle of failure. I fear failure. I fear that I am not as talented as I think. I fear that there are those who are much smarter than me. I fear competition. I fear poverty. I fear stagnation. I fear decline. I fear my jealousy over others. I fear the future. I fear failing to meet expectations. I fear social expectations.