What’s Next?

December 13th, 2020

It is said that (wo)men spend a majority of their brainpower on thinking about the future. I also spend a lot of time thinking about my own future. Recently as I approach the end of a chapter I began four years ago (uni), I have been pondering about the question: What’s next?

There are a lot of things I could do next. I have opportunities that many cannot even fathom to dream of. I could go into positions that will pay lucrative amounts, travel the world albeit global COVID-19 pandemic, start my own business in the hopes of becoming the next mega-rich, or simply relax and appreciate life as is. There are no correct answers to this, hence it is hard for me to decide on a path I want to go down.

I like to think that I know what directions I want to pursue yet I am always newly oscillating by new influences whether it is from my friends, parent, the society, or my own thoughts and am also hindered by own laziness, avoidance of responsibilities, and pessimism about the world.

Back in high school, my parents (before divorce) were not fond of my pursuit of higher education and discouraged my attendance once accepted. It felt weird to be in a country that is so driven by education yet being told by my parents to not pursue education. I think the reason why my parents discouraged my education was not due to reasons relating to education but rather a financial one. Does spending education abroad really justify the price tag that comes along with it? Tuition in the US is approximately ten times the domestic tuition in Korea, and it is easy to see why my parents saw it this way. Back then, I was very determined to go abroad to study and I do think it was the right choice looking back as it allowed me to understand the opportunities the world has.

Soon after beginning university, I was determined to get into the Computer Science major and studied very hard while being anxious about cases of failure. Thereafter, getting a co-op internship then nothing.

Nothing came after that I was determined to do. I had no next step. To be more exact, there was nothing after that I seemed to be within the grasp of me. I kept at trying to get into better name-value internships but failed to do so. These rejections after rejections took on a toll on my confidence and I simply stayed away from applying to the positions.

Friends and family frequently tell me that I am smart and will do great things in life and think I am a confident smart person overall. Yet, I spend my day-to-day unsure and worried about my future. I feel the pressure to succeed. I feel the pressure of the money spent on my education. I feel the pressure of others. I feel the pressure that I put on myself. Most people do not see beyond the facade of confidence I have. I have no clue what I will do nor whether I will succeed. I know I want to succeed, yet the imaginary pressure alone is taking a toll.

I do think the slightest taste of success will snowball and help me succeed. I am not sure what that next step will be to help me achieve that: friends that are encouraging and pushing me to pursue FAANG positions, parent and family that is wishing for a successful businessman, or my own never-resting anxiousness for the need to succeed.

Recently, I have been focusing on my graduation and my health by starting a new therapy called Dupixent. Now that I am graduating, I am hoping to focus on something that sets a foundational direction for the next chapter in my life.

I am hoping to focus on helping my mom’s business and gain some experience running a business. I also want to focus on preparing software developer positions for next year. However as first and foremost, I want to work on developing lifestyle changes that sets me up for success. I have been regularly working out and have productive sessions that keeps my brains awake rather than a sloth-like state that I usually am in.

To be fair, I have no clue what’s next. However, I will be pursuing these goals for now and hope that I am doing something right. Only time will tell.